Usein kysytyt kysymykset

Why didn't I realize it earlier?

Many struggle with this question. Some even had a hunch before getting married and asked directly, 'Are you gay?' After receiving a negative answer, the relationship then continued for three years, eight years, 28 years, or even longer.

 

Self-blame is unnecessary. If someone chooses not to share something about themselves with you, there’s no way you could have known. Many people never admit they are gay, even when it seems quite obvious. Denial is very common. There’s no point in staying stuck, agonizing, and making yourself feel even worse with accusations. You can’t change what has already happened. You loved them, and you either couldn’t imagine it or didn’t want to believe it—or whatever the case may be.

 

What matters most now is taking good care of yourself and finding peace of mind. Unfortunately, people who don’t understand the situation often ask exactly this question: 'How didn’t you notice?' Even professionals may unintentionally confuse you with such remarks. If you also keep tormenting yourself with constant self-blame, your distress will only deepen. Even if you had realized the truth at the very beginning of your relationship—or at any point—the fact remains that this is now part of your life, and possibly your children’s lives too. You need to start processing it and understanding what it means and how it affects you.

Going through a process of change is painful and often frightening. That’s why we wish we had seen everything clearly from the start—to avoid the pain, the effort, the losses. But what happened is a fact, and it can’t be undone. Time won’t stop, no matter how hard you bang your head against the wall or scream 'why' day and night. It’s better to take steps that lead to understanding and connection with others. One day, the sun will shine again."

 

 

How can I get through this?

Many people go into shock, panic, and become overwhelmed by a range of difficult emotions. Whether one decides to stay in the relationship or leave it immediately, the mind remains in turmoil for a long time.

 

You can find some discussion about the topic online. On forums, people wonder whether their partner is gay or not. There doesn’t seem to be a support site available in Finnish, but abroad there is one, for example:

 

https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/WivesofBiGayHusbands/info

You can join the site and connect with over 3,600 spouses who share your experience. There is also a Facebook group you can apply to join. This way, you can receive support every single day and especially when you need it the most. All you need is a basic understanding of English.

If you find anything else, please share the information with us too!

 

 

 

Why do I suddenly feel unable to do anything?

You are traumatized. Stress is an inevitable part of human life. Traumatic stress, however, is something exceptional. It’s a reaction to an experience that is so prolonged or intense that it overwhelms your coping capacity. A traumatic event causes intense fear, helplessness, even terror. You likely feel unable to control what’s happening, which only worsens the traumatic stress. The situation is especially severe if you have no way to influence it, no tools or ability to defend yourself, and no preparation for facing such cruelty.

Trauma can also affect your social functioning, as your understanding of how other people behave may shift. It impacts your ability to handle stress and to recover from loss or future traumatic events.

Healing from trauma requires building a new, meaningful worldview. It’s worth directing your energy toward this as soon as your daily life becomes manageable and you’ve established a support network. Seeking and accepting help, and beginning to construct a new internal understanding of the world, are enormous tasks. A new life begins with small steps, as soon as you find solid ground beneath your feet.



 

 

How can I gain some distance from the situation so I can think?

Here are 10 steps to help you create distance from the situation so you can think:

  1. Stop asking for more information about your partner if it only makes you feel worse. Take things in at your own pace.

  2. Don’t share personal details with others.

  3. Avoid involving other people just to go over past events.

  4. Don’t help others more than absolutely necessary—stay focused on your own path.

  5. Avoid conversations about your “former” life. Steer clear of old topics.

  6. Develop new activities that don’t involve people from your previous life.

  7. Don’t rush to help others if someone else can do it.

  8. Make small changes in your life: rearrange your furniture, change your decor, take a different bike route, eat at a different restaurant, etc.

  9. If someone asks you for a favor, say you’ll think about it. Don’t overburden yourself.

  10. Make new friends and acquaintances—anything at all. It truly helps you move forward.

 

What does the stress caused by the revelation feel like?

 

            

What does the stress caused by the revelation feel like?
People who have experienced this kind of stress describe it like this:

  • everything in my life went dark, all the way to my soul. I couldn't see ahead and didn't understand everything that had been behind me.
  • it was a horrible time, and i never want to go through anything like that again.
  • the foundation of my entire life started to shake, and I no longer knew who I was.
  • I experienced overwhelming panic, couldn't eat or sleep properly.
  • I was afraid I would have to spend the rest of my life alone, that no one would ever want to be with me or love me. Fortunately, that turned out to be just a fear, and I found love again.
  • I felt like I had completely lost control and was spiraling downward into uncertainty about everything. Slowly, I had to reorganize my life and make sense of what had happened.
  • it was like sinking into a slow-motion swamp of suffering, where at first I could barely move.
  • there was a huge black cloud hanging over me, filled with toxic gas… at times I could barely breathe.
  • everything was like a wild rollercoaster. Awareness, anger, sadness, moments of wellbeing, and suffering. I did a lot of work to understand my inner world. Still, even a few years after it happened, I went through a period of intense, blinding rage. After making it through that storm, things slowly got easier.
  • I couldn't sleep without medication.
  • I felt like in a song: “It hurts when you’re crushed under the weight of an elephant and no one else can see it.”
  • trying to sleep became a living hell. I lost my appetite. I cried buckets. I turned to alcohol. I searched for help online and learned a lot. I had a huge desire to understand. Eventually, I found a group online with people who had been through the same thing. That’s when things started to get better.
  • In the crisis, it literally felt like i had been thrown into the middle of the road and run over.
  • I didn't want to live anymore.
  • my spouse blamed me for everything, and I had a strong desire to fix it all. I developed autoimmune diseases. when my spouse was finally revealed, I just wanted out. iIm in therapy now and on medication.
  • it felt like a massive earthquake had started, and the tremors just wouldn’t stop.
  • the revelation felt like throwing a huge boulder into water. On the surface, you could see the ripples spreading wider and wider. At the same time, the massive rock kept sinking to the bottom. It was as if that rock had been thrown into my heart, slowly forcing its way down, breaking through structures as it went. And then my heart was truly heavy. Breaking that rock apart and processing it has been a huge task. It was never a part of my heart, never belonged to me. But because it entered me, it became my responsibility to deal with it—for my own sake.

 

How do I take care of myself?

It’s best to focus on everyday needs, and to allow yourself things that bring goodness, joy, and health. It’s helpful to follow the things that interest you the most.

 

You are in a complex process. Give yourself time.

 

Take care of your health, too.
if you suspect or know that your partner is having sexual relationships with others, it’s important to get yourself tested. even if your partner insists they’ve been faithful, and even if you have no symptoms, go for testing anyway. even if you’ve been faithful yourself and are furious that you are the one who has to go—go anyway, no matter what.

Why does it feel so difficult?

Your crisis has stages similar to those in the grieving process. You are experiencing the effects of trauma. It may help you to understand the stages of grief and apply them to your own crisis. Above all, be gentle with yourself.

Grief

Experiencing grief and sorrow is a healthy human response to adversity and loss. It is natural to feel grief. Grieving helps a person adjust to a new life situation.

In the grieving process, a person faces the emotions brought on by what has happened—such as longing, sadness, anger, guilt, and disappointment. Expressing grief and receiving social support promote both psychological and physical well-being.

Grief can be caused by difficulties in relationships or by difficult life events such as losing a job, children moving away from home, or retirement. No outsider can measure the extent of another person’s loss or grief. While grieving, a person may temporarily lose the will to live and feel that life no longer has meaning. Grieving is also a way of saying goodbye to what has been lost.

The death of a loved one may cause the deepest grief of all. The loss can feel as though the foundation of one’s life has been taken away, and grief may last for years. If the death is sudden, the shock of the event may delay the beginning of the grieving process.

Even the death of someone unknown to us—especially in widely reported accidents or disasters—can cause deep distress, helplessness, and sadness.

If several deaths occur within a short period of time among family members, friends, or colleagues, a person may notice strong grief reactions in themselves.

Death is a loss, and it is always also a reminder of our own vulnerability and the unpredictability of life.


 


 

The Stages of the Grieving Process

The length and course of grief depend on the loss itself and on individual factors. Recovery from loss is influenced by what a person has previously experienced in life and by their current life situation. In many cases, certain stages of grieving can be observed, although they may overlap and occur at the same time.

In the shock stage, it is difficult to believe that what has happened is real. One’s state may feel unreal and fragmented. The shocking news may paralyze a person or cause very intense reactions. Shock is the mind’s way of protecting itself from overwhelming events: everything cannot be taken in at once.

In the reaction stage, the reality of what has happened gradually begins to sink in. There is a need to go over the event again and again. The person may try to gain some sense of control over what has happened. The grieving person may focus on practical matters, and the grief may not necessarily be visible outwardly.

In the processing stage, the grieving person begins to work through the loss. Grief may not consist only of sadness and longing; feelings such as anger, bitterness, and fear may also surface.

Grieving involves facing and processing emotions. If the relationship with what has been lost was complicated, this may also need to be addressed during the grieving process. The event may bring up earlier hardships and losses that it is also permissible to grieve.

In the adaptation stage, a new balance gradually begins to emerge. Through the grieving process, the loss slowly becomes a memory and part of the past. The grieving person begins to rediscover joy in life and directs the energy previously used for grieving toward other things. Even years later, however, grief may resurface—for example on the anniversary of the event.

Everyone Grieves in Their Own Way

A grieving person uses the coping methods and resources available to them. Some people express their grief openly, for example by crying or laughing.

Grief can be expressed through talking, drawing, singing, or writing. Some people seek to understand what has happened by clarifying the facts. Others may find comfort in dreams or their own intuition. Faith, personal convictions, or a life philosophy may also help in coping.

Many people find help in peer support groups, where experiences can be shared with others who have gone through similar losses. Physical activity and exertion can also help ease the burden.

Grief can also manifest as physical symptoms, such as unexplained chest pain, shortness of breath, dizziness, or stomach problems. Even though these symptoms may feel severe, they are usually normal and tend to ease with time.

Persistent pain, however, may indicate that there are still feelings that have not yet surfaced. In order to protect themselves, a grieving person may have minimized what happened and suppressed their feelings.

Unprocessed grief may become hidden and later appear as pain, depression, or withdrawal. It may also resurface later when triggered by a new hardship.

If physical symptoms lead you to seek medical care, it is helpful to tell the doctor about your grief and its causes.

Recovering from Grief

Recovery from grief cannot be rushed. It takes its own time. It is helpful if the grieving person has people nearby who can support, comfort, and encourage them during a difficult stage of life. It is important to have the opportunity to express feelings and to talk about how painful things feel.

Grief is a form of pain that should be faced openly. Sometimes it is difficult to give oneself permission to grieve. Facing the emotions of grief may feel frightening. Yet grief will inevitably rise to the surface sooner or later. Support can also come from people who have experienced similar losses themselves. Their ability to cope can give hope that it is possible to learn to live with grief.

Even though someone in grief may feel like withdrawing into themselves, isolation is not helpful. A grieving person needs their loved ones, and loved ones also need to understand grief in order to know how to help. Patience is necessary in the grieving process. Just when it seems that the worst is over, sadness and anxiety may return.

For many people, talking is an essential part of recovery from grief. The grieving person often needs to talk about the event many times. Through talking, what has happened becomes real and can be understood and processed. Even if there are listeners nearby, it may also help to call support helplines or join grief support groups. It is helpful to speak about what happened using clear and honest words. This can make the reality of the event easier to accept.

In families, a shared loss can either bring people closer together or create distance. Family members often recover at different paces, which can sometimes lead to difficulties. Each person had their own relationship with the one who was lost, and each grieves in their own way. Different grieving styles may sometimes lead to conflicts within the family. For this reason, it is important to make space for different expressions of grief and to understand that people process grief differently: some want to talk about it, while others prefer to process it more privately. Accepting these differences can help families share their grief and move forward.

The body’s most natural response to grief is crying. Crying relaxes both the body and the mind by releasing internal tension. It can help a person reconnect with their emotions, which in turn makes it easier to talk about them.

Inner feelings can also be processed through writing. You might write a letter to the person you have lost, expressing things that were never said. Keeping a diary during the grieving period can also help. A diary is for yourself alone, so it is safe to write down even frightening, hostile, or confusing emotions. Writing can also help you become aware of depressing thoughts that circulate in your mind. Once you recognize them, you may gradually replace them with more compassionate and positive thoughts about yourself and others.

Grieving is physically exhausting, so sufficient rest is important. If sleep problems become overwhelming, sleep medication may help temporarily. However, medication should always be used according to a doctor’s instructions.

Even in the midst of great distress, it is important to take care of your health. When the body feels better, it can also strengthen the mind. Even if nothing feels appealing, the body still needs proper nutrition and physical activity. Even a twenty-minute walk each day can help.

Moments of joy can exist alongside grief, and there is no need to feel guilty about them. Grieving does not mean feeling sad all the time. Gradually there will be moments—then whole days and weeks—when thoughts of the loss are no longer dominant. At that point it is important to allow yourself to let go of grief and give yourself permission to continue living.

What has been lost continues to live on in memories. Loss changes our lives. Each of us must decide which direction that change will take.

Text: Working group of the SOS Centre of the Finnish Mental Health Association. Edited by Päivi Liikamaa.


 

 

Why does no one seem able to help me?

Why does people’s empathy seem to miss you somehow?

You may notice that when you open up to your friends—or even to a professional helper—about your partner’s revelation, you do not feel relieved. In fact, the opposite may happen. You may sink into a deep place, feeling loneliness and even anger. You become frustrated and wonder why talking to others does not help this time.

The reasons are quite clear:

1) People who see themselves as open-minded hear that you are talking about someone coming out of the closet. They hurry to be tolerant and feel deeply how wonderful it is that someone can now be their true self. It may not remain unsaid that your partner must have suffered in a relationship with you, with someone of the “wrong” gender. You receive a blow that only makes your situation worse.

It is not an act of friendship to rush into excessive understanding and support for the person who has thrown your life off its tracks. Yet you may find yourself watching how easy it is for some people to jump onto the side of the one who appears to be “winning.” It is far easier than staying beside you, supporting you in your immense loss and sensing what it means when your whole worldview is shaken.

This phenomenon explains part of the process in which some of the people in your life begin to fall away.

 

 

2) People who are capable of genuine empathy will experience the situation alongside you and stay by your side. However, at least at first, they may not have anything constructive to say. They may not have experienced anything similar themselves. They try to support you and do their best, just as a caring friend can.

You understand all this, yet you may still have to admit to yourself that it is not enough. Your life crisis is simply too big and too complex. There is too much for you to do, think about, and make sense of. You begin to realize that your process will take a long, long time.

Simply talking about what happened may not help you much. What is needed is deeper reflection and rebuilding. You may need long-term support that no ordinary person can fully provide or sustain. At the same time, you may not want to be labeled as the person who is always talking about gay issues, or to become “the one whose spouse turned out to be gay.”

You may find yourself among friends and realize that the healthiest choice in their company is sometimes to talk about something other than what you are currently going through. In the confusion of your situation, it can be helpful if you reach the understanding that you need to find people who have had the same experience as you and who are processing it in a similar way.

3) Professional help can take you a long way—especially if the helper understands the kind of crisis you are facing. Even a journey with a good and competent professional can stall if they lack familiarity with the issue and begin exploring it as if for the first time by asking questions typical of someone unfamiliar with the situation, such as: “How is it possible that you didn’t notice anything, even though you’ve been married for so long?”

Such questions can feel blaming and may lead your process in the wrong direction. Instead of helping you build something new, you may find yourself sent back to struggle endlessly with the idea that if you had only noticed things earlier, the entire crisis could have been avoided.

Suddenly you are expected to have acted like a detective in your own relationship and to possess almost supernatural abilities. When someone has worked hard to keep their secrets, you are expected to have seen through everything anyway. Yet the truth is that what happened is now a fact. It has already happened and cannot be undone.

The fundamental task of a professional helper is to guide people through their crises so that they can move forward in life and integrate what has happened as a natural part of their life story. This perspective applies here as well.

Your life will be enriched through this crisis. Right now it may feel like an uncut diamond. But page by page, step by step, it will take shape. One day, this difficult diamond you are shaping will shine—quietly, deeply, and in its own unique way.

 

What if I don’t want to separate?

Everyone has their own way of facing the challenging moments in life. The best solution usually takes shape over time.

Some people decide to continue their relationship, although new ground rules will probably need to be created. There may be a stressful period ahead as the relationship takes on a new form. Some couples manage to make it work, while for others the stress becomes exhausting.

Some people even accept their partner’s new partner as part of the relationship, expanding their own boundaries in the process. Becoming aware of your own feelings and personal limits will eventually lead you to the solution that is right for you.

 

 

On vaikea antaa neuvoja, sillä ihmisten parisuhteet ovat yksilöllisiä ja tilanteet vaihtelevat niin paljon. Jokaisen parin on vain tehtävä niin kuin heille parhaiten sopii, mitä ikinä se sitten onkin. Jotkut jatkavat yhdessä mutta ryhtyvät nukkumaan erikseen. Joillakin on avoin liitto. Toisilla taas ei ole muuta vaihtoehtoa tilanteessaan kuin päätyä eroon.

Voi olla myös niin, että puoliso toivoo homouden lähtevän pois itsestään tai sen paljastuminen on kestämätön paikka. Silloin puoliso haluaa pysyä liitossa. Siitäkin huolimatta, että se olisi epätyydyttävää tärkeiltä osiltaan. Tilanteet ja syyt saattavat siis olla varsin monenlaisia.

Voit pohtia erilaisia kysymyksiä:

Haluaako puolisosi lähteä? Jos ei, voitte miettiä, miten jatkatte.  Sinun on tutkittava tunteitasi ja mietittävä, pystytkö elämään uudessa tilanteessa. 

Sallitko hänelle itsensä toteuttamisen ilman, että tulet mustasukkaiseksi tai provosoidut liikaa? Saako hän olla miesten kanssa, saako hän katsoa pornoa tai olla nettisivustoilla?

Teillä voi olla mahtava seksielämä. Sinun on ehkä nähtävä se, että teillä voi olla mahtava seksielämä ja puolisollasi voi olla mahtava seksielämä samaan aikaan myös jonkun toisen kanssa.

Onko puolisosi yhä sitoutunut parisuhteeseenne ja haluaa olla uskollinen sinulle ilman, että se aiheuttaa hänessä masentuneisuutta ja epätoivoa?  Vai onko ratkaisunne avoin liitto, jossa kummallakin on oma seksielämänsä toisten kanssa? Kysymykset uskollisuudesta ja yksiavioisuudesta ovat suuria asioita pohdittavaksi, ja ne tulevat nyt uuteen valoon suhteessa.

Loppujen lopuksi kyse on rakkautesi rajoista ja kestokyvystä.  Jotkut päätyvät hyvään kompromissiin, joka on ehkä epätyydyttävä molemmille omalla tavallaan mutta saattaa olla hyvä lasten kannalta.  Toiset tavoittelevat yksimielisyyttä ja pitävät siis kiinni siitä, että kummankin tulisi saada tulla onnelliseksi sovittujen järjestelyjen tuloksena.

 

Am I the only one in the world this could happen to?

Unfortunately, you are not. There are millions of others like us. In addition, we human beings change over the course of our lives, and that can lead to unexpected developments for our partners.

Many gay or bisexual people may marry someone of the opposite sex and truly believe—and hope—that they will remain happy and satisfied in the relationship. Over time, however, needs that have been pushed into the background may begin to grow stronger. A spouse cannot change that, and because of this, the person may not even want to talk about it.

 

 

 

A partner becoming interested in people of the same sex is not the only shocking situation someone may face. There can be many others. For example, a husband may have secretly dressed in women’s clothes throughout the entire marriage, and the revelation can be so upsetting for the wife that it leads to divorce.

Even though all of this happened to you and turned your life upside down, it is possible to move forward. You can get through it. Be the one person in your own life who searches for a new direction and finds joy and strength again—despite everything that has happened, or even because of it.

This experience will always be part of your life in some way. It is better if it becomes a part that helps you grow and brings something good. In the end, it is not only about misfortune, but also about change and new possibilities.

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