There is nothing wrong with you. You are good just as you are. You could not in any way have influenced the fact that your partner is gay or bisexual. Your partner’s double life may lead them to blame you for their lack of desire or emotional distance. This is very typical. Someone who keeps secrets can become very skilled at shifting emotions around, and over time this may seriously lower your self-esteem. As a result, you may develop a strong feeling that you are inadequate, undesirable, or that you are doing everything wrong. The poor treatment you have received is the reason for these feelings.

When you connect with others who have gone through similar experiences and begin to understand the phenomenon that has had such a strong impact on your life, your self-confidence can grow. Many people, after finding a new and more suitable partner, have felt as if they woke up from a bad dream and realized that they are wonderful men or women. There is nothing wrong with their desires, their sexuality, or their attractiveness—quite the opposite.

Everyone does what they can according to their own strength. The situation is complex and new, so it is best not to rush. Some people leave the relationship quickly and do not regret their decision. Others regret it and may return. Whatever happens, support is needed. Sometimes a good outcome can only be reached by taking a winding path.

Some spouses talk about it; most live in denial. Some never speak about it at all. Many are revealed by accident—perhaps after being caught watching online pornography, through text messages, or in some other way. Even then, the denial may continue. A spouse may have many things going on, yet in their own mind they are still an entirely ordinary partner who may simply have “some interest in something sometimes.” It may be impossible to get the truth from your spouse by any means.

It can be agonizing not to get certainty about something that troubles you. And even if you do get certainty, it is not necessarily a solution. The feelings of confusion may settle somewhat, and you may begin to feel ready to move on to the next stage. Many things still need to be worked through—in your own thoughts, in your emotional life, between the partners, and within the family—regardless of whether changes are made in the relationship or not.

It may be helpful to explore the different kinds of material available on the subject. You can listen to or watch YouTube videos where spouses share their stories and the paths they have taken. If you join an online discussion forum, simply following the conversations may already bring you more understanding and peace of mind. The turbulent and painful emotions may begin to settle so that everyday life becomes easier.

You may also feel relief from the pressure that something must immediately be decided or resolved. There is no fixed timetable. Above all, you may stop blaming and criticizing yourself for not knowing or for feeling incapable.

You are not inadequate. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If your spouse turns out to be someone different from what you believed, there was no way you could have influenced that change. It is your spouse’s matter—his or her path.

You are responsible for yourself and for your own well-being, including acknowledging if you feel unwell or overwhelmed. You may also have responsibilities toward your children.

You do not have to be certain. You do not need to watch for signs or search for proof. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself and finding your way to others who are in the same—or a similar—life situation. Accept the support offered to you on the path you need to walk.

One day, perhaps sooner than you expect, you may notice that things are becoming lighter. The sun will come out and warm your heart.

Courage, support, and hugs to you.

For many people, the question arises for the first time: What kind of person have I actually been living my life with? Others may have sensed that something was not quite right, but certainty never came. The subconscious may have been more aware than the conscious mind.

When the truth finally comes out, a powerful current of thoughts and emotions may begin to flow. Pieces start falling into place—and it can feel as if the whole world suddenly becomes something different. Once this process has begun and you start seeing things in a new way, it cannot be stopped. This requires a great deal of psychological strength, and everyday life may begin to feel exhausting.

It can help to arrange your life in such a way that there is space in your daily routine for this enormous inner process. Support and help are important, because reorganizing one’s inner world requires a lot of energy. Facing your fears and keeping your balance becomes easier when someone walks beside you and understands what you are going through.

So what kind of person has your spouse been? You may have seen them as an excellent parent who took good care of the family—although not everyone does. Some leave the responsibility for the family entirely to the other partner. Yet many love their children deeply, are committed to family values, and want to maintain a good relationship with their spouse even after everything that has happened.

Others, however, remain in denial. They may have always denied it—and may continue to do so even after everything has come to light.

Monet ovat onnettomia parisuhteessaan vastakkaisen sukupuolen kanssa ja seksuaalinen kanssakäyminen harvenee harvenemistaan. Toiset taas kokevat aivan päinvastoin. Puolison on vaikea uskoa paljastunutta todeksi, kun missään ei ole mitään vikaa ja seksielämäkin on erinomaista. On sydäntä raastavaa muuttaa näkemystään rakkaasta puolisostaan ja suoda hänelle hänen itsensä näköinen elämä. 

Mukana saattaa olla ja usein on traaginen puolikin: masennusta, päihteiden käyttöä, itsetuhoisuutta. Puoliso ei ehkä kerta kaikkiaan voi kestää paljastumistaan, ja siksi kieltoreaktio voi olla pysyvä. Paljastunut puoliso tarvitsee apua hänkin. Toivoa sopii, että molemmat löytävät itselleen sopivia tapoja ja työkaluja, joilla käsitellä elämänkriisiään. Surulta ja kivulta ei voi välttyä, mutta paljon uusia mahdollisuuksia voi löytää.

After being treated poorly, it is easy to begin to feel worthless. Even if reason tells you that the other person is responsible for their own actions, it may feel as if something has left a permanent mark on you. Or at least a suspicion remains: perhaps I really am such a bad person. Maybe I wasn’t the right kind of partner after all. These thoughts may arise even when the real reason for the breakup is something as significant as the revelation of your partner’s sexual orientation.

Your partner has likely spent a great deal of energy protecting their secret. It may have been such a powerful structure in their mind that, in a sense, it did not matter what happened to you—as long as the secret remained hidden. It is therefore very likely that some of the way you were treated was a direct consequence of this.

Another source of the poor treatment you received may have been your partner’s relationship with themselves. You may have been on the receiving end of how they related to their own inner world. The reasons for that may lie deep in your partner’s background. You were part of a powerful dynamic in which strong forces were at play. It is very possible that some of what you experienced had little or nothing to do with you or with your value as a person.

Exploring the phenomenon without blaming yourself can open new perspectives. When the cycle of confusing emotions and strange projections comes to an end, you may be able—for the first time—to see the whole picture. You may begin to understand your partner: their history and burdens, their strengths and their weaknesses. As your understanding of your partner changes, your feelings toward them may also change.

You may begin to see more clearly who your partner is—and who you are. A clearer understanding of both can bring a sense of calm, because the confusion about boundaries and the false feelings of guilt no longer churn inside your heart.

When you have loved deeply, it can be very difficult to allow your image of your partner to change. Yet after this process of change, the peace that follows can feel welcome. And love itself may remain—it simply takes on a different form.

What Do Spouses Who Have Come Out Say?

“I don’t feel that I have lived a lie. When I got married, I was honest with myself, with my wife, and with everyone else according to the understanding I had at the time.

Today my marriage with my wife is just as real and just as much a part of my life as the fact that I am gay.

Sometimes people ask me why I stayed in my marriage. The truth is that I love my wife and that we are both committed to each other. To me, true love is something that endures everything and never dies.

My wife is not gay—this is something people often ask us. We are very aware that our marriage is not conventional. But we enjoy our relationship as it is.”

“My wife has had to endure a lot because of my anxiety and depression. At times I have felt trapped and unable to be myself.

At the same time, we have enjoyed so many things together. We have three wonderful children. We have shared all the events of life together—we have cried together, comforted each other, asked questions and doubted things together.

We do not have to live our marriage according to the heterosexual ‘model.’ We can live it in our own way. The most important thing is that we love each other and live this life together.”

“One day I came home from work earlier than usual in the afternoon. I found my wife in our bedroom having sex with another woman. Chaos broke out immediately.

My wife just shouted, asking why I hadn’t knocked. In her view, she had a right to her private life.

After that I have demanded a divorce many times, but my wife does not agree. She believes that sex with someone of the same sex is not adultery and is not wrong in any way. She calls it ‘exploration’ and ‘another form of pleasure.’

We have three children. What on earth am I supposed to tell them about why we are divorcing?

To me this is all horrible. I truly love my wife and would not want to live a single day without her. But I cannot live with her if she is having sex with other women. What on earth should I do?”

“I knew about my orientation already when I was young, and I considered it a sin. I struggled with it and wanted to free myself from my homosexuality.

My future wife knew about all of this before we got married. At first I lived in our marriage as a ‘former’ gay man. We were husband and wife as God had intended. We believed that God would show mercy toward my orientation.

A few years ago, however, we had to make changes in how we understand my homosexuality and also in our religious life.”

“My wife and I went to therapy because she felt something was emotionally wrong in our marriage. At the end of one session I told her that I didn’t know whether I was gay or straight—and that I had been with a man.

My wife was deeply shocked, but she also said she felt relieved because the reason for her feelings had finally become clear. She promised to stay married to me until I understood who I really was.

Over time, however, it became clear that I am gay and that I wanted to live with a man in order to feel whole. My wife, on the other hand, did not want to remain married to a gay man. So we ended up divorcing.”

“My wife wanted a divorce when she discovered that I had relationships with men. We had been married for a long time and have adult children.

My sexual orientation had been a huge problem in my childhood home. My mother could not tolerate it at all, and my father even less—he was a pastor. I was deeply aware of the suffering I caused my parents. They prayed that this trait would disappear from me. To their horror, it did not.

But I had a great need to be like everyone else and to live in a way that my family would not have to be ashamed of me. So I married my wife.

When we divorced, she was shocked when I told her that I had always known who I was and that I had been with men whenever the opportunity arose.

When we were young we had talked about homosexuality and relationships with men in a general way, and I assumed she understood and accepted it. Apparently she did not. For her, our marriage vows were much more meaningful.

After the divorce we have not talked much. She has not wanted to hear anything more.”

“I am a 30-year-old man and have been married to my wife for about six months. Recently I told her that I am bisexual and that I have always known it.

She reacted very strongly and wondered how it could be possible when all my friends are straight men. As we talked more, the pieces began to fall into place for her and she started to understand why I had behaved in certain ways in different situations.

For me it was a relief finally to share my secret with someone. It has been exhausting to pretend to be something else for so long. I have had relationships with both men and women. Men do arouse me—but right now I love my wife, and that is how things are for me.

At times I even considered suicide, but now it feels as if a completely new world has opened up to me, and I live every second of the day fully.”

“I am a 45-year-old man at the midpoint of my life. I am married, we have teenage children, dogs, and a wonderful home.

Since my university years I have known that I am gay, but I never dared—or felt able—to come out of the closet. Then something happened that changed my life. I met a man with whom I had a short but intense relationship—the kind that sweeps you off your feet.

I tried to tell my wife about this and explain why we could no longer continue our marriage as before. Her reaction, however, was so strong and overwhelming that I could not tell her everything I had planned to say. Instead, I told my sister, who received the news very well.

The issue in our marriage is still so loaded, filled with prejudice and fear, that I truly do not know how we can move forward. I still love my wife, but I cannot imagine continuing our marriage as husband and wife. I can no longer keep hiding this part of myself from those close to me and from the world around me.

It feels as if the bubble could burst at any moment in an uncontrollable way. I would at least like to have some influence over how it happens. Right now I feel completely at a loss.”

“I am a middle-aged woman married to a man, and for eight years I have had a relationship with another woman.

It all began with conversations on Skype. Then our feelings grew stronger, we met, and we had sex. Our relationship has continued in this way and has been very fulfilling for me.

An unspoken rule between us was that we would not bring too many strong emotions into it. Now my partner has confessed that she loves me deeply and fears how I will respond.

My problem is that I absolutely do not want to leave my husband. I love him very much and value the security our marriage provides—our house, our car, our dogs, everything.

I did talk to my husband and told him that I choose him. I told my girlfriend the same thing. The idea was that I would no longer see her.

But we still meet. Our relationship has become more difficult. She has become jealous and says she feels like her head will explode from the pressure.

As for me, I cannot help the fact that I love them both…”

Here is a natural, clear English translation, slightly polished so it reads smoothly on a support website while preserving the meaning and tone.

How Should You Tell Your Spouse?

How should you tell your spouse that you do not feel completely heterosexual—or that you are gay?

You should tell the truth. Tell it honestly. Tell it with as much love and kindness as you can. Speak with compassion and understanding.

It is wise not to choose an important annual celebration or someone’s birthday as the moment for this conversation. Otherwise the painful memory may return year after year on that same day. It is better to choose an ordinary day. There are plenty of those.

Some people think it is better to reveal the information gradually, little by little. That is not a good approach. It is best to tell your partner at once who you truly are. If you are not sure what your orientation is, say that as well.

If you have had a relationship with someone or casual encounters with others, tell the truth about that too. Your spouse has the right to know, because for the sake of their health they may need to be tested. Your spouse may feel angry about having to go for tests, especially if they themselves have been faithful to you.

Your spouse has the right to know the true nature of your relationship, because they have the right to decide the direction of their own life. Some people immediately know what they will do after hearing the truth. Others may be completely overwhelmed. But your spouse deserves to know. Telling the truth is the healthiest path.

After telling the truth, it is important to listen carefully, offer support, and show understanding. This kind of attitude will help both of you in the situations that follow.

Revealing your sexual orientation within a relationship or marriage is somewhat different from coming out as an individual. In a relationship there is also the relationship itself, the family, and shared responsibilities. None of these suddenly disappear simply because you say you are gay.

If you have a family, coming out is also a family matter. Remember that your spouse may not be as ready for this revelation as you are. Or you might want to keep your revelation private, while your spouse does not want to be forced into keeping your secret.

Whether you come out publicly or not, your spouse has the right to know who you truly are.

After you tell your spouse, it is time for both of you to think about how you will deal with the situation within the family. Professional help can be valuable in helping you move forward.

It may be that you only come to understand your orientation later in life. Your entire life may have been a process of slowly coming to terms with it. Remember that while you may have had years to process this, your spouse may have had only a few minutes, days, months—or perhaps a few years—to adjust to the truth.

It may take time before your spouse has moved through the stages of pain, anger, shame, and self-blame. For many people this process takes years. There are no easy answers and no quick fixes.

When you tell your spouse about yourself, remember also to tell them that support and help are available for them. But above all, remember to tell the truth about who you are.

— Amity Buxton

Telling the Children

Once a spouse’s orientation has been revealed, the family situation has already changed to some degree. This is true regardless of how loving and close the couple may have been. Whether one spouse has processed the issue quietly inside or expressed it openly in anger, tension will usually be present in the family. Children who are sensitive to the emotional atmosphere often sense that something is going on, even if nothing has yet been explained to them.

How should parents approach telling the children, and when?

When speaking with children, it is best to proceed according to the children’s needs rather than the parent’s need to speak about it. The atmosphere should be loving, close, and caring, and the child should be helped to understand. It can be helpful to begin by gently introducing the topic and then explaining it.

Children should be told that they are free to react and feel however they feel, and that they can talk about anything that comes to mind. Some parents choose to tell one child at a time, while others speak to all the children together. This may happen with both spouses present, or sometimes with only one parent. Some parents write a letter first and then offer to talk face to face afterward. Telling the news by phone has generally not been very effective.

Whenever the spouse chooses to tell the children, respectful support from the other parent makes the situation much easier for them. If the truth is withheld for a long time, children may later feel that they were not trusted or considered capable of facing the truth. For children, the revelation itself is often easier to accept than a possible divorce that may follow. If the disclosure comes before a separation, it can help children understand that the divorce is not their fault.

Very young children mainly need reassurance that their parents still love them and will continue to be there for them. School-aged children may worry more about how their classmates will react. Teenagers often find the situation hardest to process, because they themselves are already dealing with many questions about identity.

Whenever children are told, the conversation is only the first step. As time passes, children’s reactions may change. Even if they accept what has happened, they may still worry. They may need to rebuild their understanding of gender, relationships, marriage, and parenthood. Hopefully they will feel free to ask questions whenever they need to.

Children should be reassured that their parents’ love for them will not change in any way and that they will not lose either parent because of what has happened.

Working through the situation and learning to live with it requires time, patience, and love. A good parent does not stop being a good parent simply because they come out of the closet.

— Amity Buxton
(Adapted from the article “Thoughts on a Father's Coming Out to His Children”)