What Might the Unfaithful Partner Be Thinking?

Some people who cheat on their spouse believe that sex with someone of the same sex is not really cheating. Because of this, they may do what they do without feeling any guilt. Yet for some reason they still prefer to keep their actions a secret.

Others think that because they are gay and “forced” to be married to someone of the opposite sex, they have the right to do whatever they want. The betrayed spouse may struggle to understand how being gay could give anyone permission to cheat or to enter into a relationship that is not fully honest.

Ideas about faithfulness, morality, boundaries, and trust can differ greatly between individuals—and even between spouses. The same is true for people’s understanding of love.

A person who cheats may distance themselves emotionally from their spouse and seek experiences with others. At the same time, they may still declare their love for their spouse—and that may indeed be genuine. Betrayed spouses may simply come to realize that this kind of love is very different from their own.

The spouse who has revealed their secret may feel such relief after the burden is lifted that they seem almost rejuvenated. They may feel lighter, freer, and begin forming new relationships. In this phase, there may be little awareness of the fact that their spouse has been left in a dark tunnel.

Some people do choose to tell their spouse about their secret themselves or share their realization that their sexuality has become something very different from what it once was. They may still care deeply and want to maintain a good relationship with their spouse and family.

There has been discussion about this topic on the Gaybros forum:

https://www.reddit.com/r/gaybros/comments/1feb7h/im_a_gay_guy_whos_married_to_a_women_anyone_else/

An Expert’s View on Betrayal

Anna Fels

The revelation of a major secret usually creates a profound crisis. I have noticed that in such situations the position of the person who committed the betrayal often seems somewhat easier. They may indeed feel remorseful and ashamed. Yet in a way they still hold the reins of their own story, which they can shape and reinterpret. They may have made poor choices, but those choices were theirs and within their control. And now they can make new, better choices.

Other people—and even our wider culture—often respond to this in an encouraging way. Society tends to celebrate new beginnings. It is never too late to start something new.

But for the person who has been betrayed, something much more disturbing happens. Just as a virus can corrupt the files in a computer, these individuals may feel that their life story has been invaded. Their memories come under suspicion: What really happened that day? Why did my spouse buy a second phone years ago, supposedly for work? Did our friends know the truth during that vacation?

This compulsive re-examination of past events through a suspicious lens can continue for a long time. The purpose is to uncover the real truth about the past. For many people it is extremely difficult to tolerate the uncertainty that arises when two versions of the past exist side by side: the past they believed they lived, and the newly revealed past that may be closer to the truth. Reconciling these two histories can be exhausting.

Understandably, many people begin to feel cynical or even paranoid. How can they know what genuine progress forward looks like? How can they integrate these newly discovered facts with their understanding of family, identity, religion, and everything else that has shaped their lives? Should they become especially suspicious if they begin a new relationship? Some people simply do not feel it is in their nature to live constantly guarded and distrustful.

The reactions of others can also be complicated. People often mean well but fail to offer real support. Our culture seems to understand the person who has committed the wrongdoing better than the person who has been harmed. The role of the victim makes people uncomfortable, and they may have little experience of how to respond to it.

Friends may unintentionally blame the betrayed person by asking whether they must have known something all along but simply chose to deny it. One wife described how her husband secretly drank alcohol at night, hiding a serious addiction. When she asked how the addiction could have remained hidden for so long, he replied:
“It took a lot of work to keep it hidden.”

After a year—or sometimes even sooner—people often advise the betrayed person to move on with life, leave the matter behind, and focus on the future. But moving forward is not so simple when the ground beneath one’s life story no longer feels solid.

For this reason, many victims ultimately feel less troubled by the revelation itself than by the lies that surrounded it.

Therapy can be one way to rebuild one’s relationship with the past. It has long been understood that one of the central goals of psychotherapy is to create a coherent and meaningful life story. Therapy provides an inner structure that helps a person anticipate and regulate emotions and actions. It also helps form a stable sense of self.

The challenge of therapeutic work, however, is that it often takes place along a branching path. A person must reconstruct their life story retrospectively—sometimes from memories that were not entirely based on what they themselves experienced, but also on events they never personally knew about, yet which are objectively true.

This work must be done piece by piece. Moving forward in life can be difficult, or even impossible, if a person no longer has a clear story about their own past.

Perhaps the greatest betrayal was directed at one’s life story itself.
It was quietly stolen.

Anna Fels, 

Psychiatrist and member of the faculty at Weill Cornell Medical School

The article published in The Times (5 October 2013) can be found at:

https://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?_r=1

What Will My Future Look Like?

Your future after the crisis depends on the choices you make and on how you work through the crisis. The quality of your relationship and the choices both spouses make will largely shape your future.

If you decide to stay in the relationship, it will require a great deal of strength and energy. The changed situation will lead to new arrangements that you and your spouse must agree upon. You may find yourself in new situations as you watch your spouse live a different kind of life than before. You may see aspects of that life and those choices that were once hidden from you.

In any case, your views and attitudes will also have to change. This can be broadening, but it can also be exhausting. The situation may work for years, and then everything may change again. Relationships do not remain the same throughout life. It goes without saying that your strength and energy will be tested, which is why seeking support and professional help can be very valuable.

If you decide to leave the relationship, you will face many of the same issues that other separating couples face. Practical matters must be resolved—housing, arrangements concerning the children, and legal aspects related to the separation. Again, the quality of the relationship will influence how these matters unfold.

After the practical issues are settled, the task of rebuilding your own life begins. Divorce support groups can offer valuable help, and it may also be important to understand that a separation related to a spouse’s sexual orientation can require its own unique process of healing.

At its best, the worst crisis of your life can become the change through which you grow and perhaps rediscover yourself. Even that is enough: to walk the expanding path of healing and new discovery as far as you can during your lifetime.

If you leave, you may later wish to return. Perhaps both spouses may want that. You may feel that you are partners who love each other and your family so deeply that living apart does not feel right after all. You may come to understand that sexual life alone does not necessarily define something as significant as a long-term relationship. Perspectives change, and what truly matters may become clearer.

The most painful situation is when a person feels trapped in the role of a victim. Sometimes people feel stuck because of financial circumstances or lack of employment. Even then, it is best to remain hopeful and view the situation as a phase while gradually working toward change. Progress can happen through very small steps.

You can always increase your knowledge and awareness, and you can connect with others who have had similar experiences. Even if you cannot make the choices you would like in the external world, you can still work on your inner world. In this way, hope for a better future can remain alive.

One woman who went through such a crisis now writes a blog online to help others. She says that after everything she experienced, she is now happy. She lost her husband but found herself. Her spouse’s coming out was both the worst and the best thing that ever happened in her life.

She says that during the last eighteen months she has grown more as a person than ever before. She has learned that:

• true happiness can only be found within oneself

• nothing lasts forever, so it is best to live in the present moment and appreciate each day

• no matter how hard we try, we cannot control everything

• it is possible to experience incredibly beautiful moments even when we feel most vulnerable

• family and friends are the most valuable things in life.

Eventually, peace came to this blogger. The anxiety and worries faded. She decided to choose happiness and love—with all their joys and sorrows.

https://www.aftermyspousecameout.com/

-          Olemme keskustelleet ja mieheni on luvannut pysyä kanssani. Mutta minusta näyttää, että hän ei voi mitään sille, että hänen tarpeensa olla miesten kanssa vain voimistuu.  Hän sanoi, että vietti kaksoiselämää siksi, ettei halunnut loukata minua ja lapsia. Mutta tuntuu kamalalta, että hänellä on ollut ihan vakava suhde menossa jo kuuden vuoden ajan…

-          Mieheni sanoo, että hänellä on ollut miesten kanssa vain oraalista seksiä. Jotenkin minusta tuntuu, että hänen kertomansa on vain jäävuoren huippu. Ja onhan oraalinen seksikin seksiä sinänsä. Tunnen itseni jotenkin alistetuksi ja minua pelottaa oman terveyteni puolesta.

-          Mieheni on valloittava persoona ja hän on luonut loistavan uran.  Kaikki näyttää elämässämme olevan kunnossa. Mutta silti, nyt paljastumisen jälkeen, osani onkin ollut olla mukana tässä näytelmässä vaimon roolissa. Aivan kuin naimisiin mennessämme hän ei olisikaan pyytänyt minua naimisiin kanssaan vaan esittämään hyvin jotain roolia näytelmässä, jota hän itse käsikirjoitti.

-          Tilanteemme on nyt aika sekava. Vaikean parisuhteemme lisäksi minulla on surua siitä, että omat vanhempani eivät usko minua lainkaan. Siskoni ja veljeni ovat alkaneet ymmärtää jotain enemmän, kun ovat perehtyneet asiaan jonkin verran.

-          Mieheni tuli ulos kaapista minulle ja sanoi, että hänen on päästävä vapaaksi. Mutta nyt sain tietää, että hänellä on uusi nainen, jolle hän nähtävästi tekee saman kuin minulle.

-          Mieheni paljastui biseksuaaliksi. Hän sanoi, että hänen on yhä vaikeampaa olla kanssani parisuhteessa, koska hän ajattelee jatkuvasti  miehiä.  Luottamukseni ja turvallisuuden tunteeni on mennyttä. On hirveää, aivan kuin hän olisi siirtynyt toiseen universumiin, jossa en enää voi tavoittaa häntä enkä mitään siitä, mitä meille oli – tai luulin, että oli.

-          Olin valtavan vihainen miehelleni aluksi. Nyt olen alkanut tajuta, että on masentunut ja onneton enkä voi mitenkään auttaa häntä siinä. Minun on luotava itselleni uusi elämä vastoin tahtoani ja toivottava, että toivun tästä vielä jonain päivänä.  Mutta meidän on oltava ainakin jonkin aikaa vielä naimisissa toistemme kanssa, sillä en tule vielä toimeen omillani.  Terapia auttaa minua.  Keskityn tänä vuonna siihen, että saan talouteni kuntoon ja voin astua askeleen eteenpäin.

-          Mieheni paljastui, ja kokonaan toinen puoli hänestä tuli esiin. Hän aikoo nyt elää kuten tahtoo ja jos minä ja lapset haluamme olla siinä osallisina, niin meidän on vain sopeuduttava kuvioihin.  Ymmärrän, että hänelle valheessa eläminen oli vaikeaa. Mutta minusta se valheen tai täydellisen kiellon valitseminenkin on ollut valinta, josta hän on vastuussa.

-          Olen yhä vihainen siitä, että mieheni ei antanut minulle koskaan tilaisuutta valita sitä, että olisinkin naimisissa biseksuaalin kanssa.  Enkä ikinä suunnitellut olevani yksinhuoltaja, kuten nyt joudun olemaan.

-          Haluan yhä jatkaa liittoani ihanan biseksuaalisen mieheni kanssa.  Onneksi olen löytänyt ryhmän, jossa tuetaan kaltaisiamme pareja, jotka ovat päätyneet tähän ratkaisuun.

-          Olen koettanut kysellä ja keskustella puolisoni kanssa, mutta turhaan.  Hän kyllä vastaa jotain epämääräistä, mutta niissä on jotenkin valheellisuuden tuntu. On kuin suhteessamme vallitsisi sankka sumu, jonka läpi en näe, vaikka kuinka yrittäisin.  Tuntuu ettei mieheni tajua lainkaan, että minullakin on oma elämäni, joka on nyt aika sotkussa.

-          Olemme olleet naimisissa 16 vuotta. Nyt on kulunut kolme vuotta mieheni paljastumisesta ja alan olla yhä hämmentyneempi.  Vuoteen meillä ei ole ollut seksielämää.  Käymme erikseen terapiassa. Tunnen itseni hyvin yksinäiseksi ja haluaisin vain ulos tästä. Mutta avioero tuntuu valtavan suurelta asialta. Rakastan yhä miestäni, vaikka koenkin, että hän ei enää rakasta minua samalla tavalla kuin ennen.

-          Tajusin mieheni olevan homo vasta, kun olin eroamassa hänestä. Olen jo yli 60-vuotias. Ymmärsin myös, että mieheni oli pettänyt minua miesten kanssa jo kauan. Erottuani ja tavattuani uuden, ihanan miehen koin, että juuri kuitenkin se exäni homous oli ollut syynä eroon päätymiseeni. Sillä läheisyys oli ollut kummallista kaiken aikaa enkä saanut mitenkään avioliittoamme toimimaan. Nyt olen ihmeissäni, että minua rakastetaan ihan oikeasti ja voin kokea kehossani mitä ihmeellisimpiä tunteita, joista minulla ei ollut avioliittoni aikana aavistustakaan.

-          Mieheni kertoi paljastuttuaan vain sen, että oli pettänyt minua jo ennen avioliittoamme ja siis aina, miesten kanssa. Muuta hän ei sitten sanonutkaan vaan oli kuin mitään ei olisi tapahtunutkaan ja toisaalta taas niin, että hänelle tehtiin vääryyttä, kun kotitalo piti myydä eli hän menetti kodin jne. Lapsille järjestimme terapeuttista apua, ja olen noille terapeuteille kiitollinen. Olin itse niin kiinni omassa selviytymisessäni, etteivät voimani oikein riittäneet kuin eteenpäin rämpimiseen ja työni hoitamiseen.

I have been satisfied with our sex life, although we only have sex in the missionary position from behind. I assumed that my husband was satisfied as well, until I noticed links in the computer’s browsing history to dating sites and porn sites. I clicked on the links and found gay porn and videos of men masturbating.

My husband became angry and denied that he had watched them. But only our family uses our computer, so then one of my sons must have homosexual tendencies!

I am no longer interested in sex at all, when for thirty years I have apparently only been a substitute for a man for my husband. The dating-site links were actually to heterosexual sites, but homosexuality and betrayal together are simply too depressing for me.

Username: Sad wife, woman 59 years old

Response from an RFSU sex therapist:

Someone in your household has visited those sites—that much is certain. Of course, I cannot say who actually looked at them. If it was not you, then it could have been either your son or your husband.

Everyone’s sexuality and sexual orientation are personal matters. In a relationship, however, one would hope that partners would be willing to talk about these things with each other. Visiting such websites may simply be an accident or curiosity. It might reflect sexual orientation (for example homosexuality or bisexuality—although heterosexual people also watch such material), or thoughts and questions related to sexuality.

If someone chooses to watch pornography, it is just as normal to watch bisexual or gay pornography as heterosexual pornography. I cannot make assumptions about your husband’s or your son’s sexual orientation. They themselves define what it is, and it is also perfectly normal and acceptable not to define it at all.

One should never assume another person’s sexual satisfaction. Talking about it is the best way to know whether the other person is satisfied or not. If you want to know whether your husband is satisfied, ask him directly. You have already concluded that your husband must be the one who viewed the material. If you want confirmation, try to discuss the matter calmly. Do not accuse him, even though you may find the situation difficult and upsetting.

https://www.is.fi/kysy-seksista/art-2000000692119.html