Healing from shame
The feeling of shame arises when something touches the deep inner sense of worthlessness, inadequacy, or feeling fundamentally wrong that may live within a person’s inner world. The trigger may come from another person’s look or judgment, or from one’s own internal demands. When this happens, the feeling can become very uncomfortable and may affect many aspects of the life of someone who struggles with shame.
How can we learn to face a feeling that is so extremely difficult?
— Miia Moisio, pastor, pastoral care specialist, and schema therapist
Steps Toward Healing From Shame
1. Explore your own history of shame.
When you begin to explore your personal history of shame—and the generational chain that may lie behind it—you may start to understand why shame has taken root in you. If you approach this exploration with compassion and a desire to understand why shame was placed upon you, you are already taking an important step forward.
2. Take responsibility for your own feelings.
Remind yourself again and again: My process of freeing myself from shame is my responsibility.
The person who hurt you cannot be the one who heals you.
3. Learn to breathe through moments of acute shame.
When the so-called “shame button” is triggered and the feeling becomes overwhelming, many people wonder how to get rid of the emotion. In reality, emotions do not need to be eliminated—we can learn to live with them. People often feel better when emotions are allowed to come and go.
A helpful way to cope with acute shame is to breathe through it. This may feel extremely painful at first, but the feeling usually begins to ease over time. Avoiding emotions—or distracting yourself from them—does not truly remove them.
4. Learn to accept your needs and emotions.
Accepting your needs does not mean being selfish. It means standing on your own side. At the same time, you can practice setting boundaries in a gentle but firm way.
5. Revisit the past in a safe environment.
Working through past experiences with a therapist or another trusted professional can help you face earlier injustices. You may eventually choose to forgive yourself and the other person—even if that person is unable or unwilling to ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness can release the emotional energy tied to shame.
6. Strengthen your inner responsible adult.
It is important to learn how to protect the vulnerable inner child within you. In your inner world, you can imagine holding and comforting that wounded child, soothing the shame away.
Within everyone who carries shame there may also exist an internalized harsh and critical “parental voice.” Responsible inner adulthood sets boundaries for this voice and tells the inner critic that the mistreatment of the inner child must stop.
7. Practice accepting yourself.
Remember that shame is a belief—and beliefs can be changed. Step by step, learn to accept yourself, your feelings, and your needs completely.
The antidote to shame is self-acceptance, self-compassion, and taking yourself seriously.